You completed the game and never ended a battle with your buddy knocked out.

You defeated Princess Kenny while looking like David Hasselhoff.

While inside Mr. Slave, you summoned Mr. Slave.

You befriended both crab people and gnomes.

You defeated 20 enemies using Cartman's Ass.

You farted on the corpse of an aborted Nazi Zombie fetus.

You watched your parents have sex for 60 seconds.

You shat your pants during a boss battle.

Gingers have bitten you 3 times without you blocking.

You successfully blocked every enemy attack in a single (non-tutorial) battle.

You befriended the Goths, like everyone else playing this game.

You've unlocked all of the upgrades for a New Kid ability.

Over the course of the game, you've scored 100 perfect attacks.