Make 5 Jump Pass assists in a single game.

You befriended your father.

You've spent $500.

You made friends with half of South Park.

You've farted on people 100 times.

You sold 300 junk items.

You farted on the corpse of an aborted Nazi Zombie fetus.

You defeated the High Jew Elf Kyle in battle.

You befriended the Goths, like everyone else playing this game.

You have joined the KKK.

You defeated 3 enemies in one battle while your buddy was knocked out.

You shat your pants during a boss battle.

You successfully blocked every enemy attack in a single (non-tutorial) battle.